On Behalf of My Patient, Steve Kornacki
I wrote and subsequently submitted this piece on a whim, prioritizing the timeliness of the Kornacki Cam during last night’s midterm election coverage. This was my first-ever literary publication submission.
I knew this wasn’t a perfect draft for McSweeney’s; the notion of getting published on my first go was utterly impossible. However! That didn’t stop from me from submitting. I had a funny idea and I went with it. I can certainly polish this further and tighten it up, punching up with facts; but for now, I’m just proud I took the leap.
My first rejection in the books.
Appearing as NOT published in McSweeney’s, which courteously rejected me with the following note:
This amuses for sure, but we’re going to pass. Thanks for the chance!
Please! Thank YOU, Mr. Monks!
Vivian Donahue, M.D.
Politicos Telemetry & Family Medicine – Private Practice
P: 212-555-8356 | F: 212-555-1930
November 4, 2026
Gotham Signal Health, a BlueCross BlueShield Company
ATTN: Appeals Division
212-555-8300
Re: Appeal for S. Kornacki
Patient: Kornacki, Stephan J. (Steve)
DOB: 08/22/1979
Member ID: XXXXXX67622 / Group #: GSH031126
Claim/Reference #: 1V0T3D980
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing to appeal your denial of coverage on behalf of my patient, Steve Kornacki (XXXXXX67622). I billed the following treatments under code TAP-270-KHK:
- Color blindness assessment
- Vocal cord resiliency infusion
- Phalangeal therapy for index ankylosis (“Stiff stylus finger”)
In your denial letter, you indicated the patient carries sufficient treatment options as provided under your basic coverage, calling my requests “purely elective.” On November 3, 2026, Mr. Kornacki performed his professional duties as demanded by his employer, NBC News. While current therapies allowed Mr. Kornacki to determine record turnouts in particular districts in Indiana, Kentucky, and Florida, his physical and mental faculties deteriorated over the course of his broadcast, which lasted approximately 29 hours.
Over the course of completing his responsibilities as Chief Data Analyst, Mr. Kornacki jeopardized his position because of the denied coverage. He nearly mistook Florida as a purple state well after polls had closed, despite several obviously red counties throughout the panhandle (e.g., Walton, Holmes, Okaloosa). Had he been prescribed the corrective spectacles I requested in October 2026 (item 2040A: Big Board Bifocals®), he would not have had poor outcomes during his November 3 performance.
The missed vocal cord infusion from September 28, 2026, led to Mr. Kornacki’s 1) chronic tie loosening over the course of the evening and 2) increased use of Ricola lozenges during and after the broadcast, causing significant disruption to his quality of life and affect.
However, I must note the denied therapeutic treatment for what is clearly index ankylosis—as demonstrated by X-rays submitted in August 2026, March 2024, and June 2020—should establish ignorance at best; malice at worst. Mr. Kornacki has displayed increased symptoms of stiff stylus finger since at least January 2023. Increased incidence of paresthesia of the index finger of both left and right extremities has been documented. It is my professional opinion that if this condition remains untreated, he is susceptible to tachycardia, dehydration, and echolalia. During Mr. Kornacki’s last visit to my practice, he emphasized to me, quote, “You think I can stop tapping? I can’t stop tapping while these votes come in, wowzers!”
Mr. Kornacki, despite his insistence to deliver precinct data breakdowns on limited sleep, fluids, and respite for his bladder, unfortunately reminds me of my Hippocratic oath: do no harm to the Big Board.
It is with the highest urgency that I request approval of the above treatments and, if denied, a subsequent peer-to-peer review escalated to your supervising division, which understands the importance of preventative treatment while races are too early to call. Enclosed are supporting documents, including an annotated district map of Maricopa County and a specimen sample of Mr. Kornacki’s ripped khakis.
Sincerely,
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Vivian Donahue, M.D.
Visiting Practitioner, Department of Electoral Neuropathy
New York University